Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
