I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
