Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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