I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
