You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
