hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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