I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Bring me that man meat
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
