If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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