I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
