Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
