That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
