trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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