the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
3 2 1 whiskey
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
