well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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