you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
