it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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