I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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