i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
