You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
