And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
