I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
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