so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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