I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
