I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
