i permit you to call me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
