god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
