evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
