I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
