just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
