He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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