I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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