yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
