This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
