you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
someone threw a dead crab at me
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we made out on top of his cat.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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