No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
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Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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