Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
