Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
