I want to make a zoo with you.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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