Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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