I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
