I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
time to smoke my breakfast
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
