Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
