I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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