Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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