C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
