On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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