So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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