You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
