I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
