I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
