i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
