I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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