I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
