when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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