when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I feel like abortions should bother me more
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
