Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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