We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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