Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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